Director Neil Marshall loves the films of John Carpenter so much that he decided to put his own stylistic spin on them with his post-apocalyptic adventure, Doomsday. It follows the mold of a Snake Plissken adventure so closely, it barely has anything original of its own to offer. The film begins with opening narration (by Malcolm McDowell) describing the collapse of Great Britain by way of a deadly virus. A wall is erected to surround the country so anyone within its walls basically has no chance of survival. There is even Carpenter-esque 3D mapping to show you such things. Should I also mention Marshall’s use of the “Carpenter font” during the opening titles?

London stays successfully quarantined for about 30 years. But when the virus, known as the “Reaper” virus, makes its way outside of the walls, the government sends in an elite team of militants in to seek survivors and ultimately a cure. This team, led by Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra), crosses the wall and into the savaged land. The country has been without power for years, so the team makes the obvious choice to cross the border in the dead of night. They are to search for a man named Kane, who was previously a respected doctor before the virus took over, and is believed to have knowledge of a cure (if he is indeed still alive).

By the end of the film, however, one thing is clear. Doomsday doesn’t feel like a suitable title. If John Carpenter made this film (and let us hope that even he has something better in him than this), it would have been called John Carpenter’s Escape from Medieval Times. The last third of the film is so hysterically ridiculous - the team makes their way to a castle where Kane leads a band of horse-riding fighters. A battle quickly ensues between these bow and arrow wielding clansman and Eden’s team. Let’s just say that I’ve built more climactic medieval battles with a set of Legos during my childhood.

The film even channels Mad Max films but not the good ones. No, instead, memories of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985) plague every inch of the screen like a reoccurring nightmare. We’re even to understand that an unused Aston Martin would have a hard time outrunning vehicles that haven’t had proper maintenance trips for decades. I had an easier time believing that Chev Chelios could survive the plunge out of a helicopter miles above the city. Oh the joys of ridiculous cinema.

After his well crafted and much appreciated 2005 film, The Descent, I could not wait to see what Marshall would pump out next. That film had everything - it was atmospheric, claustrophobic, bloody, scary, and lacked crappy computer-generated effects. Sure, there was some evidence of influence there, but nowhere near as much as it is here. Doomsday is a bad 80s hair-band music video with equally awful music and set pieces. Actually, there isn’t a singular minute of this film that isn’t over blown with the over-rocked score, nor is there barely a moment of purely enjoyable splendor. Stay home and watch The Road Warrior (George Miller, 1981) and Escape from New York (John Carpenter, 1981) instead.