There was a collective sigh of relief amongst the geek community when Fox made the announcement that director Paul W.S. Anderson (Soldier, Mortal Kombat) wasn’t returning to direct the sequel to his super-awful Alien Vs. Predator (2004). He wasn’t the only problem with the film though. Sure, it was his writing and directing that utterly killed the beast, but Fox wished it to be PG-13. Taking two of their better franchises, all of which were R-rated films, to put them together for family night at the cinema was a bad idea all around.

And Anderson didn’t pay attention to the rules either. It was set in Antarctica or something and what we learned from Gary Busey in Predator 2 is that Predators don’t like the cold. So why would they give a shit about fighting some Alien scum in a freezing wasteland? I guess now I am showing my geekery off a little too much.

AVP: Requiem all but ignores its predecessor. A new Alien/Predator hybrid thing causes a Predator ship to crash land in the middle of a Colorado forest. Some facehuggers escape the wreckage and find two hunters (a father and son team) to host their children (if that’s what you want to call them). After they shoot out of their stomachs, a small town (much like the town in First Blood) becomes overrun by Aliens. A Predator from another world journeys to this town to help out with their problem and take revenge for the loss of his pals. Mayhem and bloody violence ensue, but that’s not where this film fails.

All of that somewhat exciting action I just described is plagued with an ocean of disaster. This isn’t so much an Alien or Predator styled flick we were all hoping for. Instead, half of the plot plays out like a John Hughes nightmare circa 1988. A lonely teen pizza delivery guy is in love with the hot chick, who already has a boyfriend who just-so-happens to hate the pizza guy. Who does she stick too though when Aliens start killing her friends? You guessed it. There are enough teen dramatics, bad acting, and crappy dialogue exchanges in this film to warrant a CW spin-off show.

Directors Colin and Greg Strause (The Brothers Strause as they like to be called) paid more attention to both series than Anderson did and included a few little nuances to remind you of their greatness. Calling this sort of attention however, only proves to make the film that much harder to watch. Every time an Alien screams after getting shot, your mind takes you back to Cameron’s far superior Aliens (1986). There is even a shot taken straight from Alien 3 (1992), when a girl hovers in a corner as an Alien shows her its two mouths. And naming a character Dallas (after Tom Skerritt’s character in the first Alien) doesn’t help either.

Perhaps if it wasn’t for these little reminders of greatness, AVP: Requiem would be a little easier to focus on. I’d like to think there is still hope for a “tolerable” Alien Vs. Predator film out there somewhere. Who would have thought that merging these two characters into one film would be so hard? With the first Predator, we had Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger) to root for. Hell, we even had Danny Glover to root for in Predator 2. And the Alien films always had Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) fighting for her life without ever whining, even when the things end up killing her (maybe she knew she’d be resurrected in a future sequel?).

There isn’t any of that here. All we have is one giant mess that focused on violence and gore instead of character development and tone. Who cares who survives when there isn’t a single moment of sympathy created by anyone in the film? Those of us still wishing for a Predator 3 will now spend the days up to that point praying it doesn’t end up being this awful.